Disguises & Backstories, Ron Work Story

Alright, welcome to the Canary in the Cage podcast. I'm Ron Morgan, my co-host Dave Havlicek.

We're here to entertain you and educate you and hopefully make you laugh. Guess who made

me laugh this week?

Um, JD Vance.

No, Trump. He won't talk to other people. Yeah, because you know, you know about Trump

is dead, right? Oh, it's not that one. And you know what, do you know what his, what

his posts were? It's hot down here.

Oh, God.

And then there is... Well, is that what that was referring to?

Yeah. And then there's this one. This is actually genius. So I don't care about the video because

there's just some guy who picked the video. So Trump just made a comment that maybe we

should take guns away from...

Well, actually the Department of Justice has also said they're actually looking into

that. So it's not just...

Okay, but it's not the Trump camp. Yeah. Do you think it's real or troll?

I wouldn't put it past them.

See, okay, so I think Trump is trolling them.

Trump has never been a gun guy. True. But he's a trodder like a motherfucker.

Yeah, but...

So he's now got the Democrats in Chicago and New York and now... Crime is not bad. Crime is good.

He's crime alone. He's leaving criminals alone. Now he's going to get them to go,

no, they deserve guns. They want guns. They can do the things. They have a right for guns.

The second amendment. So that's right.

I think he...

I wish he were that clever.

But...

Oh, come on. He doesn't like guns.

He's...

That's our term thing?

He doesn't like guns though.

So I mean, do you know that people are mailing Trump 2028 hats to Newsom?

Yeah.

I mean, this is great. So I think he's trolling.

He's not trolling. This guy is like... He said take the guns first, do process later.

He favors red flag laws. I mean, the guy...

Well, he did ban bump stocks.

That's right.

So you have valid reasons. But that's been overturned anyway.

Yeah, well...

And he is not a gun guy. I agree. Because technically, he is a Democrat.

I mean, he's just... He's the old school Democrat, which wasn't bad.

So...

No, well, yeah, let's just move on.

So I just think he's just getting the Democrat to say stupid shit like,

oh, don't come after us for a crime. Guns are good. They deserve guns.

That's not stupid. That's great.

No, I know. But for a Democrat to say that, especially a progressive...

Well, hey, look at...

He mentioned AOC out there.

I don't care.

They deserve guns.

That would be great.

Give them guns.

That's great.

More guns.

They have a government-sponsored...

I mean...

Everyone gets a gun program.

I mean, even Oprah is like, you get a gun. You get a gun. Everybody gets a gun.

That's how it used to work.

Look, shit. Look at some of the old catalogs for seers and shits.

Yeah.

Like Tommy Gunn.

Yeah.

$20.

Yeah.

Just mail it to me.

Like mail it to me.

If you want to... There is a place here in Vegas.

It is... It's on Valley View just past Charleston, towards my butcher.

Okay.

And it's a park.

Yeah.

And they've got a little train ride.

You can take the train ride or you can walk to it too.

To like old school...

Like when Vegas first started.

Okay.

Like no casinos.

It's just like a bank, a hotel.

And the bank...

Oh no, the general store has an old seers catalog.

They went to Guns for Sale.

Nice.

I used to probably have to be funny.

I helped. They used to get guns away in schools.

Of course.

Wait, shit. Even when I was young, we used to go shooting in schools.

Yeah.

Not those BB guns, to be fair, or pellet guns.

But...

No, they were all guns.

They were classes in schools, in certain areas.

Yeah.

That you...

It's not our street.

Why was it in the city?

Huh?

Why was it in the city?

Right.

So they made that...

Chicago's always scared of guns.

They only want the criminals having guns there.

We did in the Boy Scouts.

It wasn't at school, per se, but it was in a school building.

No, but I'm saying some schools that have a school program

about shooting guns, they would give away guns to like the best person who meets, I don't know,

who apparently might be a trans.

He gets a gun?

I don't know.

But whatever.

Yeah, guns just got bad because mental illness got crazy.

And medicine got fucked people up.

It has to be the medicine, dude.

It has to be.

I'm not...

Um...

I'm not...

Well...

Okay, what do you think the school shooting started for?

I have no idea.

Like, it's...

I mean, it could be related to that.

It's...

Because that was around the same time when they started giving Ritalins to everybody

for ADD and shit.

Yep, the mid-90s.

And like, I just barely avoided that shit.

Oh, dude, they went hard in the pain for getting my son on Ritalin.

And I'm like, nope.

My little cousin...

Like, I'm the oldest cousin and all my cousins were on it.

And like, people like two years younger than me in grade, like...

And I wasn't like a goofy kid, but we had goofy kids in our class.

Yeah.

And they didn't get put on any drugs.

Yeah, no, one of my favorite quotes, I don't know who said it, but they said,

if the world cured ADD, the world would be a very boring place.

Because ADD people are funny.

Well, there's also like a lot of innovation that comes from people like that.

Yeah.

Right?

If you can...

If you find that niche of theirs and they can focus on it,

yeah, like they'll fucking make a billion dollar business.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And now we're preventing all that shit.

So what happened to me?

I don't know.

Oh, is this not a billion dollar business?

No.

We're gonna do a billion dollars this year?

Yeah, right.

Come on, let's add up how much money we've made so far.

Negative...

Negative one monero, you think?

Yeah.

So you're from Chicago, but you're not a drinker?

No.

Have you ever drank?

Nope.

So if I were to tell you malort, you wouldn't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

I heard...

Is it a type of hardened wine or something?

I put it here on my shelf because I introduced my 80s style radio up there last week.

This is my introduction this week.

Interesting.

This is malort.

It's a liquor.

Okay, yeah.

It, by far...

Why are there floaties in there?

It's the most disgusting tasting liquor in the world.

So imagine...

Oh, you went over the taste line.

So imagine...

You're walking down the street and you see a homeless guy all sweaty and just laying there

sleeping and you take the socks off and you take said socks to a gallon of gas.

Oh my god.

And you soaked it in the gallon of gas for at least a week.

Why?

Is it that flavor?

And then you pull it out of the gas and you squeeze it into a glass.

Okay, what flavor is it supposed to be?

What the...

This homeless guy's sweaty socks.

There's no way that's the intention.

No, but that's what it has to be.

That's what it tastes like.

Go to YouTube, dude.

Go to YouTube on this.

People that have videos...

Jepsen's malort.

They have videos of people tasting it for the first time and their reaction.

Branvin flavored.

It's a Nordic term for distilled liquor,

generous in potatoes, grain, wood.

Okay, it's like a vodka type.

And then it's supposed to have an anise and wormwood.

Okay, so it's like licorice and then wormwood.

I'm okay with natural licorice, but it's hard to find.

Yeah, so...

And it's got to be subtle, not the nasty...

So here's the funny thing.

Okay, so if you...

If you wanted...

There were quite a few bars in Chicago.

They were neighborhood bars, and this is what Chicago's full of.

If you wanted to be considered a local,

you had to do a couple of shots of malort.

You want to hang out here, you want to hang with the cool kids,

you got to shoot malort.

So we did.

It was all fun and games and some people couldn't do it.

They'd spit it out.

We don't care.

But last night, I went out to dinner.

Yeah.

Just my son and I.

And I'm not going to say where we went,

because I'm not going there anymore, because the food is good.

The service will work on you?

No, the service is just fucking horrible.

They're obviously losing business,

so they feel that we'll just cut staff and not have a bartender,

and have the waitresses do the bartender.

Good idea.

And when I showed...

So my credit card has a Chicago City skyline on it.

Yeah.

I mind this too, actually.

Yeah.

And she goes, oh, you're from Chicago?

I go, yeah.

I go, we've lived here for like seven years.

I left Chicago like 10, 11 years ago.

And she goes, oh, so you're familiar with malort?

I go, yeah, how do you know about malort?

So apparently there's a bar in California

that serves it as well.

And I saw on Face...

On LX about two weeks ago,

there was a bar in Seattle advertising malort.

It's these fucking Chicago's.

We're going everywhere and we're bringing this shit with us.

What the fuck?

I mean, yeah, it's...

Bring the Green River.

So I know.

We know Green River's here.

I saw it at one place, like the Amore, I think, has it?

Oh, yeah.

And so it is Chicago style food,

dressed like it usually has it.

But so I was at a bar, I don't know, four or five years ago,

and the owner thought she'd be cool and go,

oh, free shots.

If you don't make a face, it's free.

If you make a face, it's $10.

And I go, well, I can do that.

And I can drink malort.

So we do our shot.

And I'm like, I didn't make a fucking face because I'm like,

and turn that, oh, it's water.

And I'm like, bitch, I'm better at going home

than I fucking bought a malort and show you what some taste like.

I mean, really?

Yeah.

But that was a bar you had to really watch your bar tab.

You had like big little ticks on having bar.

Yeah, they like to run up your bar tab.

Whatever, you know, there's skim artists everywhere in this world.

All right.

So I want to talk about something.

Oh, cool.

Because last week we were talking about Cracker Barrel.

Yeah.

And you called me out on, I said, this is, I said that the CEO is not the person who

came up with this idea.

And you called me out kind of jokingly, but you're saying, well, where's your evidence?

You know, because I always say that to you.

So I went and found this blog post that they made in 2021,

which said they're changing their logo to be more diverse.

And the CEO was hired in 2023.

So if you remember what I said, though, I said Cracker Barrel has been very woke for years.

They have brought in DEI training.

Yes.

So right.

So maybe this particular CEO didn't pick the redesign of the sign, but I do believe,

for sure, she was the redesign of the best.

That's why they brought her to be the fall guy.

Yeah.

That's what it was.

And by the way, that's not Uncle Herschel in the logo, apparently.

That's this is Cracker Barrel's own website.

What does it say?

It's not Uncle Herschel.

Uncle Herschel was a real guy.

He was the uncle of the creator.

Okay.

But apparently the the art is just some random cartoon that they can't play.

Ah.

That's a very well-known fact.

No, but remember they're very woke.

I don't know.

So when you say Uncle Herschel, everyone's like, well, that's a white dude.

It could be.

So they might have been trying.

And you're like, I don't know.

I mean, I just wanted to do that follow-up.

Since I did say last week, I never knew what the dude's name was until until last week.

Right.

So whatever.

So I might be wrong on Cracker Barrel.

It's not going to eat there anyway.

There's one in town.

The food's disgusting now.

And it used to be because now they buy frozen food trying to save them almighty dollars.

So so the CEOs and the investors could buy another mansion.

Welcome to inflation.

Yeah.

No, dude, there's nothing to do with inflation.

Yes, it does.

That's all inflation.

What is?

When quality starts going down and prices start going up.

But this has been going on for for quite a few years.

Yes.

And the Federal Reserve has been in place since 1913.

So, okay.

So you're familiar with the Titanic.

Yeah.

Do you know three people on the Titanic were against the Federal Reserve?

I tried to verify that and I can't find an actual evidence of that.

So there's stories of it.

Yeah.

Yeah, but there were stories.

But they were a story.

But they were a story.

They were a story.

Yeah.

So I'm not very, because I haven't verified it yet either.

I think I found that one of them did make some mumblings against it.

But the other two, I could not find any evidence at all.

Do you know they actually think it wasn't the Titanic that sunk?

Have you really, have you heard about this?

The white way, what?

So the people that built the Titanic also had a smaller version than the Titanic.

Okay.

And that ship had problems.

Okay.

And they think that's the one they sunk.

And there's actually a documentary out.

No, no, there's actually a documentary out of people scuba diving or maybe taking the

little scooter thing down there to count the stacks on the ship.

Because one had one less boiler than the other.

Yeah, but they've been down to the Titanic.

Like they've been down there forever.

But did they count the stacks?

Of course.

You can still see the stacks.

Okay.

But I'm saying that this might be free.

I don't know where the documentary at.

Yeah, I don't know.

It's not a conspiracy.

They've been diving there since the 80s, I think.

Maybe even earlier.

It's not a conspiracy I follow.

I just, I heard it.

I'm like, well, that's really fucking weird.

I've heard this, this Federal Reserve story because the Titanic sank one year before the

Federal Reserve.

So the story is that these guys were fighting against the Fed while like the JP Morgan types

were fighting for it.

And they somehow got them on the Titanic and then sank it to stop them or whatever.

Did they like 1900 style like, rope their feet in their hands and they're like,

they can their mouth.

They were going to tie it with the train tracks, but they figured they throw them in the

Titanic.

I think that's just like such a simple narrative.

And the dude that did it had that mustache was like,

Mwah!

But it is fucked up how they got the Fed through.

Like if you there's a book called The Creature from Jekyll Island.

So Jekyll Island is this resort in Georgia.

And like all these JP Morgan fuckheads, they secretly left New York and Washington,

DC and all the places they lived.

Like they actually had like people running cover for them so they could sneak on the trains.

They were the only person on the train.

Okay.

Right.

So they all go down to Jekyll Island and they planned the Federal Reserve.

Okay.

They said, we're going to do it like this and we're going to get the government to pass it

like this and like we're going to be in control of the US and we're going to,

they didn't talk about going off gold yet because that was in the 70s.

But.

So I have a question about that.

Yeah.

The first thing you said, you said there's a, a book, what's it?

It's like it's a paper.

Oh.

With words on it.

Really?

Yeah.

They have those?

Yeah.

And it has information.

Like we got more here.

Oh shit.

We go to the moon and we fake the moon and we got books.

Sorry.

I'm just not a big reader.

I prefer to get all my topics from headlines.

I actually haven't read that book, but from what I hear, it's got a lot of juicy info in there.

It's been very, very well researched.

Nobody's ever been able to refute it.

And a lot of the things that, when he wrote that book, that information had not been made public yet.

Okay.

And it later, it later got declassified and it validated the book.

So, okay.

You may have been part of this conversation or not back when I went to the libertarian meetings.

This is a couple of years ago though.

I had made the claim that Abraham Lincoln was gay.

Yeah, you can say that.

Well, no, but hold on though.

And I go, they're like, no, he's not.

I go, no, he was.

There's a book, a book with the pages and the squiggly lines.

And those squiggly lines form, I guess, like words.

Yeah.

And those words go sentences and then I pair of graphs.

And the Life Magazine gave it a good review.

So no, and no one came out and said, he was not gay.

They actually named people that he was gay with.

And it was always the head of his security.

Kind of like when people make claims that they'll show up on as a dude and no one's like,

wow, you can't be.

Whoa.

There's no proof.

But there is, but whatever.

But no, so there is a book that says Abraham Lincoln's gay.

And I don't really care if he was or wasn't.

It's just really funny to say in a room full of people that are like,

what the fuck did that dude just say?

Yeah.

Also one of the most evil presidents we had.

Yeah.

The Lincoln book, like I didn't, again, I didn't read the book,

but I did look up when you mentioned it.

And yeah, like nothing in there is apparently outright false.

He's just putting his spin on it to make it seem like that's what it is.

And he might be right.

So yeah.

And there's no way to know.

I mean, look at Mary Todd.

We've done this before.

She looks like a dude.

Like Michelle Obama looks like a dude.

Okay.

Before I get just my opinion, I could be wrong, probably not.

So don't sue me, please.

RFK has been fucking killing it.

And this dumbass here, okay, start this video over.

She is so stupid.

Bokeh Hannes cannot understand Robert.

He calls her out every time and that's the fucking look you get.

Play the video.

I never promised that I was going to recommend products with which there's no indication.

When you said, and I know you've taken $855,000 from pharmaceutical companies,

Senator.

I wish they included the question.

I know.

I wish they included her response in full.

But wait, did I save the other?

Bill Maher in him, he also, Bill Maher, let me scroll down here real quick.

I was, I don't think I saved this one because I wasn't going to play it.

But Robert F. Kennedy was in front of Congress today,

just destroying them.

And everyone's freaking out.

Oh, by the way, we got to fucking bullet with this fucking.

He could have been the vice president.

Dear God, he's coming out even more weird and wacky.

This one.

Is it?

Yeah.

Okay.

Play the video.

There's 25% of Americans who believe that they know somebody who was killed,

a couple of vaccine killed, killed 25% of Americans.

52% of Americans believe that the vaccines are causing injuries, including death.

52%.

Oh, if you look at the clinical trial studies, the actual studies that were done that were

released of the Pfizer vaccine, Moderna has not released this.

If you look at the Pfizer vaccine, there was, there were 22,000 people in the placebo group,

22,000 people got the actual vaccine.

And the people who got the vaccine had a 23% higher death rate from all causes.

At the end of that study.

That could not be the disease itself.

Well, because we know if it is and the vaccine doesn't work.

What is he talking about?

It's a slam dunk.

He is fucking dunked on fucking Dolmar and Dolmar like, oh, well, uh, uh.

I don't understand why we, why would you say something like that?

Like this is the vaccinated group who is dying at a higher rates than the placebo group.

Yeah.

But Bill Maher is like, well, that couldn't have been the virus itself.

Oh, we're talking about the vaccinated people.

What?

Slam dunk in your face.

Oh, bitch.

I can't find Bill Maher kind of funny.

What have we got going on here?

Oh yeah.

So, so fucking Canada is like a member Biden back, like kind of like

before Trump took over, he went and killed chickens.

He killed a ton of fucking chickens.

So, so, um, Canada is kind of taking the lead of that and they're killing the Austerges.

And I'm like, don't fucking kill him.

Send him to me.

I'll buy some land.

I love that some ostriches.

Ostriches running around town.

Are they killing them now?

Yeah.

It's, uh, well, that's a 24 minute video.

So why are they killing them?

Uh, uh, a bird flu.

Yeah.

Made up.

Oh, you know, you know, like in Canada, in one of the territories, there's, there's

Alberta, Vancouver, the French speaking place that nobody, anybody's assholes at?

Quebec.

One of them, you cannot go hiking.

That's Nova Scotia.

Okay.

James O'Keeffe went hiking with someone and they actually find them $25,000.

Just don't pay.

What are you going to do?

That's what other guys are going to find out in court.

Why?

Just don't even pay.

Because it's, it's again, the difference is me, I would fight it in court.

You're not Canadian.

They can't do anything.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

In general, I fight for other people and you want to care about yourself, which is fine.

I'm not, I'm not criticizing you.

No, because by, by refusing to pay them, I'm also helping other people.

I'm showing the other people, hey, we can just ignore these retards like don't obey them.

Don't fight them in court.

Just don't obey them.

Nope.

Fight them in court.

Why?

The court is them.

So this is the Chinese military thought they would put on a display.

I'm not going to play the whole video because I'm talking about.

So for some reason, communist countries do this a lot.

Yeah.

We do it too.

Well, don't trump it.

It's the only one that's ever done it and trumped it.

No, we've been doing military parades for them.

Like this?

Not like this.

No, but like we still do military parades.

So this is my response to the Canadian middle, the China military.

I'm going to kind of, this is another long video, but.

Nice ad.

Oh, fucking ads.

You don't have ad block in front of you.

I did a whole show on ad blocking.

Yeah, I used to have.

So this is our military parade.

Don't copyright strike this.

This is fair use.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Where the hell have you been, soldier?

Training, sir.

What kind of training, son?

Army training.

Army training, sir.

That's my last bag.

Are you better?

Hey, that's your order.

Order.

Sustained.

Right.

Who are the chicken across the road?

They're getting rid of the rest of the right.

Right.

Hey.

Hey.

He stepped out of the ring.

Got hit by a wing.

He ain't the chicken on the hook.

No.

Nothing.

Look.

This is the movie in the early 80s.

This guy's not entertained as back then.

John Candy.

Brass old dance old.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

Quick, ground, flat, shoot.

Open the lazy nose.

Sir.

Where's your drill sergeant, man?

Drill sergeant.

Sir.

These are drill sergeants got blown up.

Yes, sir.

These are sergeant monkeys.

I'm the sergeant.

He's off the mountain.

This is the movie Stripes came out in the early 80s.

But the reason I did this comparison is you've got the

communist military, you know, walking in lockstamp and like,

everybody's like does the same thing.

I mean, I'd say Bill Murray, Bill Murray and his guys did a similar, you know,

and they lockstamp.

But who's going to fight harder for their country?

Okay.

Well, this is the 80s again.

So my point is, I mean, you go, you go to the military base, they're drinking beer,

you know, they're not forced to be in the military.

They want to be there.

The problem is like none of these guys fight for our country.

Right.

They have no one's fought for our country since what, 1812?

I mean, like, well, technically, you know, you got a little civil war in there.

It was true.

Jeff wasn't fighting for our country.

The East person was fighting for their country in both America.

Well, okay.

I would say some people in the South were fighting for their country.

Nobody in the North was.

Right.

They were fighting to take over someone else's country.

Which used to be theirs.

Okay.

So what?

So what?

Like, okay, two people get divorced.

I'm going to go into her house and beat the shit out of her until she comes back.

No, you can't do that.

Like, she might have a bad reason for him to divorce.

But again, I'm against war.

I'm anti-war, but I also say our military, I think, would fight harder.

Yeah.

I think if someone actually attacked us, like, we would fight harder.

The military, like, fuck the military.

Oh, so when all these immigrants bond together and are attacking us.

Which isn't going to happen.

We'll see about that.

But that's why I'm not worried.

That's going to happen.

Even if it happens, I'm not worried.

That's why.

Right.

No, no, I agree.

Because you're just going to hear a cumulative across the country.

Exactly.

Is this going to echo?

Yeah.

What was that noise?

So guys, my god, it's a fucking shotgun being loaded.

Because that is the most scariest sound on the earth is the shotgun being wrecked.

What have we got going on here?

This Irish man who passed away.

Oh, okay.

So I need to change my will.

Like, last week I told Dave he needs to change his will so he could donate his brain to me.

I thought about my response to you because you said I'm going to die first.

I mean, historically speaking, the rule of average is you're probably right.

Because I am older than you.

I'll probably see 75, 76 and I'll check out.

No, no, no.

I mean, I'm drinking less.

I'm working exercise in.

Not smoking as much.

But in reality, you're going to snap off with the wrong person within the next five years.

You know, I was going to shoot you the next five years.

I've been thinking that my whole life and it's never happened.

So it's coming.

I mean, like I'm still I'm 43.

All right.

So so I'm going to change my funeral for so my wife can do this.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Let me out.

Hello.

So it's a guy in the coffin.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Oh, by the way, you're all welcome to my funeral.

We'll post all the episode online because actually prior to this.

Oh, no.

Oh, I'm calling you.

So prior to this, I've always had my wife.

I don't want a funeral at a funeral home.

I don't want a gravesite thing.

Just go to a bar, have a celebration of my life.

Everybody tells the stupid stories about stupid shit that I did.

But it's got to end like this.

I mean, seriously, if I can sit there, I have to record it ahead of time.

I should record it.

Hello.

Give me the fuck out of here.

I'm not really dead.

Stuff like that.

So I guess I have to work on this.

I've got some evidence that Trump might be listening to our show and is starting to see my view on immigration.

So last week, HUD came out with a Section 8 policy update.

And now some of the right wing retards on Twitter are saying they're going to check for citizenship.

Correct.

Because Section 8, if you don't know, is like a voucher you get that you could use to pay for an apartment or whatever.

And it has to be like a qualified apartment.

And it's not only citizens.

So it's other legal immigrants.

So like green cards, student visas.

And like you can actually live in Section 8 as an illegal immigrant.

But what they do is they determine the household size.

And then only the legal people would get their voucher.

And then like you, as the illegal...

I didn't know that.

Yeah, you could do that.

But so that's what the law says.

And HUD came out affirming that law.

But they said we're now going to start checking that you're eligible.

So apparently for the last 10 years or something, they were not checking eligibility at all.

So illegal people, we're just getting money to live with it.

That's like USAID.

So that's one of my policy proposals.

So what is Trump's thought about it though?

I don't know if Trump has said anything.

Because keep in mind, they've got Biden people still working in...

Yeah, yeah.

So this could be...

Because look at the CDC.

You see what they fucking did?

They're all walking off their job.

Robert of Kimmy doesn't know what he's talking about.

He's going to kill people.

No, you dumbasses.

You all fucked up.

Well, so...

I think it was...

It might have been in executive order that instructed HUD

Why can you be even...

So if you have anchor babies essentially?

Okay, so a green card holder.

Yeah.

Should they get free housing?

Well, should or not...

Because it's not necessarily 100% free.

It's a percentage based on your income.

Right.

But I guess if it gives them...

If they have a five-year plan, like you get five years, you get...

Well, I think they should just give it to the whole system entirely.

It's fucking stupid.

That's kind of what I'm...

If you're going to have the law, right...

And the law says you have to either be a citizen

or eligible immigrants.

And you're not checking anybody.

Okay, well, that's how we get the problem

of Venezuelan gangs that you show up, right?

Because they're like, oh, free housing.

And no one's going to check.

So like when you shut this off

to actually follow that law,

some of those bad people are going to stay home.

So...

Speaking of Venezuelan, did you hear

the Navy blew up a U-boat full of...

I saw it. No, I saw.

Maryland citizens or Maryland men?

Well, I don't know who those people were.

No, fuck, I always get that wrong.

Maryland men in S-13.

Maryland men in S-13?

It's in S-13.

Was it just innocent people?

Well, the claim was trained at Raguá.

Oh, I thought it was in S-13.

No, it's in S-13, it's in Mexico.

Trained at Raguá is in Venezuela.

But that was the claim, but there's...

I mean, the video's grainy as fuck.

You can't see it on the boat.

The claim was that there's 11

trained at Raguá people running

drugs in the Caribbean, and we just blew them up.

Which, you know, show me the fucking evidence.

Well, one, show me the evidence.

Two, since when can you just blow people up?

Right? The Coast Guard needs to

fucking board them and turn them away

if that's what's going on.

Yeah, well, they weren't in Coast Guard

protected water, though.

Why are we interfering at all?

Maybe they were coming to America.

Maybe they were going to Mexico.

They were coming in from Ireland in a boat.

You gotta blow them up.

Fucking stupid.

I don't get why, and so many of the...

Again, the Red Wing retards on Twitter,

they're all defending this, and it's just like,

well, you people, right?

Especially the ones that are

like super Trump fans who hate George Bush,

will go on and on and on about

oh, the aluminum tubes, they lied.

They lied about the babies and the incubators.

They lied about the yellow cake.

They lied about this, they lied.

Even now, you fucking retards,

that's all they do is lie, right?

Whether Trump... Maybe Trump

is receiving the lies and he doesn't know

any better, but the fucking intelligence

community, all they do is lie.

Why do you believe that these are fucking drug runners?

Show me the fucking evidence.

So, speaking of like illegals and drug

runners, they tried closing

alligator... Alcatraz this week.

Right. And then they...

believe the Supreme Court or

somebody higher up than the fucking federal judge

probably a point about Obama

said, no, they can stay open.

But no, it bothers me because

I mean, yeah, they're

in a prison, but it's got no fences.

They can walk away anytime.

What's the problem? I mean, seriously.

I mean, they're not in

like high fences and should just walk away.

Please.

I carry a GoPro

connected to the internet, to the cloud,

so we can watch you get eaten by a fucking alligator.

I'm pretty sure they figured out how to get behind that

but beyond the alligators.

I mean, alligators are stupid. They're just lizards.

Yeah, but

we're talking like a lot

of alligators. Well, if there's too many of them

to start eating each other, and then you just walk right by.

Don't think they eat each other. Yeah, they will.

They'll eat anything. Did you know a lying

can kill an alligator?

I'm sure. Well, the video that I

saw, an alligator attacked

a cub, a lying cub. Okay.

And the father said, fuck that.

And came in and just went to business,

went to town on this. Seems like a reasonable

thing to have. No, no, no.

No, no, no. Great. It's nature. So whoever wins

wins. I don't know if I'm with that.

But send me the ostriches though. I really want them.

But

you would think, because

dinosaurs are the closest thing we have to dinosaurs,

correct? We. Alligators.

Dinosaurs are the closest thing we have to dinosaurs, right?

Actually, no. Birds are. Birds.

Birds are closer to dinosaurs than alligators are.

I thought. Well, it depends on what kind of dinosaur

there was a version of alligators as dinosaurs.

That's the thing. There's different

branches of dinosaurs. So

they're getting into. They have a very hard

rigid outside.

Yeah.

Well, some dinosaurs. I mean, I touch one.

Tyrannosaurus Rex had feathers.

Okay. Yeah.

But I guess I didn't know. I guess, but I guess

if a lion's teeth clamps down on an alligator,

can it penetrate that

hard exterior shell? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

The lion can bite it like fucking 5,000

pounds per square inch. It's fucking ridiculous, dude.

You know, an alligator, they, they're

opening their mouth has like

almost no muscles there.

It's the closing that gets you.

So that's why they can duct tape the nose.

They can't break the duct tape.

Yeah. I don't know. It's the

fact that I learned. I don't know why.

So it's why alligator

people just fucking clamp down on the nose

and then walk right out. Yeah.

But

then the mosquitoes get them. Well. And those

serious motherfucker mosquitoes, but they had the snakes

too. Don't get the snake because they're also

overwhelmed with boat, boat, boat

constructors. They're not native.

They're not native to that land. Really?

But people have released them.

There's like little jet like big wars.

Yeah. They, but now they're

overrun and they actually have a bounty on

boat constructors. Oh my God. So people go out hunting

snakes. I know they have water moccasins down

there because I've run into those. Yeah.

Yeah. So what are we

going on here? That's what I did have that one already

saved up.

I didn't think I did, but whatever.

We'll just move on. Who does this look like to you?

You already wrote it.

Howard Stern.

What the fuck?

Yeah. That's Harris's daughter.

Yeah. Who's transitioning to a man.

The most beautiful woman in the world. She doesn't get a gun

anymore. The most beautiful woman in the world.

Did, did, is that,

I mean, we do a DNA test.

Fuck you looks like a young version of Howard Stern.

And how

was a black woman? Wait. Well, did Kamala give

birth to her or is she a step mother?

Oh, maybe.

I don't know. Maybe the dude that likes to slap

his girlfriends, her husband.

I gave my opinion. I could be wrong, but

he actually did on video slap a woman. So I

guess, but, because he, because this one, this is

actually how it's done. Yeah.

Yeah.

And then the owner Howard Stern, no, but the

younger one, I mean, what the fuck?

I didn't know this was even on the side.

Yeah.

But I will say, go back up for a second.

If I saw her,

the other cactus.

Which one? Oh. Right there. That would be me.

What the fuck, dude?

I mean, I saw that. I legit thought it was Howard

Stern, right? This Howard Stern.

But it's not.

Okay. It's all I got to say about that.

All right. Um,

what do we got here?

So this was going to be an hour challenge, but

it is not. Nope.

Cause that's a, this is like up too easy

to look up. Well, it's like, it's like, this is

like old school, like texting.

So you had to hit

the number one time for the first letter, two

times for the second letter, because he didn't

even know this. Nope. And I'm like, I, I didn't

think this was like a hidden thing because even my

son was texting this way. I did not have a phone

like this. Yeah. I had the right, the motor

roller razor. Do you remember that one? Oh yeah.

You use the arrow keys to do that. Okay.

So this is, I think the Nokia, if I'm not

mistaken, looks like a Nokia.

So basically the surprise was

it smells like your cunt.

Or you are, you know, um,

yeah, because it's you are a word, letters, the

A is the two that you push to one time. Right. Right. Right. Right.

And then you push two, three times. That's the C

you push eight, two times.

That's the you. It's your cunt.

So, um,

speaking of the Monero challenge.

So you would be the Monero challenge first.

Oh, well, do you want to do the giveaway first

or the next challenge first?

You, dealer's choice, you pick.

Uh, let's do the challenge.

Okay. So this video I found online, um,

I believe you said it's commercial.

This is a Cadbury's, um,

I don't know if it was for the eggs or some other

candy, but Cadbury's is like a candy company.

They legit only make Easter eggs because that's all

big, anything else. So,

what movie does this remind you of?

What movie does this remind you of?

Yeah, it's fucking mad.

This is really long.

No, it's not.

It's not so meant 30. Yeah.

But you can cut it once the drum solo kicks in.

I didn't do it coming in the air tonight.

Oh, no.

I didn't leave it for the song.

I don't know why I got it.

Also, it is a badass song.

I didn't do it coming in the air tonight.

I didn't do it coming in the air tonight.

Oh, no.

I didn't leave it for the song.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

So, what movie?

Apparently there's a movie that has a similar scene in it.

Yeah, similar.

So, tell us what that movie is.

Do you know the story about these drums?

No.

It's a sound, that 80s drum sound.

Yeah.

It's called reverb.

So, he's actually the guy that discovered it.

Really?

Really.

So, they were in the studio, they were just fucking around,

and someone hit the switch and moved it up all the way.

And he's like, oh, I love the way that sounds might.

And he just became

fucking Phil Collins at that moment.

Okay, I wasn't going to bring this up either,

but we actually were going through the show pretty quick.

So, ah, shit.

Ah, shit.

Best.

I don't know.

He's from guitar.

He's from guitar.

It's one of those legends, I guess, somewhere.

That's guitarist,

and I think it would be the one I would actually

I.S.T.

Okay.

I want to see the stories up here.

Because it...

Prince?

That's what I want to talk about.

There was a list of the best guitars

and Prince was not on it.

Okay, I don't think he belongs on it.

But one of the guys on the list,

I'm trying to remember who it was,

they asked him, like, oh, what's...

It's one of the guys on the list, I don't see the list here.

They asked him, what's it like

being the best guitarist in the world?

Because I don't know, why don't you ask Prince?

No, that's...

Okay, that's not...

So, the person who was asked the question

is Eddie Van Halen.

That's not what the story said, but I don't know what that was.

That's the original story.

Okay.

And I forget who Eddie Van Halen said,

but it was like a jazz fusion guy that no one's ever heard of.

No, no, no.

But everybody changes the story every time they tell it.

This was...

So, there was a group of people

on stage, all the best

guitarists that were alive at the time.

Okay.

Prince was on that fucking stage, dude.

I mean, he's good, but he's not one of them.

That he just kills it then.

Damn it.

Yeah, that story's been going around for a while.

Let's see if I can find it here.

Yeah, I don't know.

But honestly, most of the best guitars in the world

are people that no one's ever heard of.

Or very few people have heard of.

Oh, here's the story.

Clapton said, I don't know.

Yeah, let's see.

The original story was Eddie Van Halen

and he said some jazz fusion guy that I don't remember

who he said.

But the greatest living guitarist...

It's even hard to say because there's different

types of guitar music.

Right.

You could say rock guitar, blues guitar, jazz guitar.

Fuck, man.

I'm not even referring to the electric guitar.

So let's start there. So no acoustics,

no banjos.

Fuck, it's so hard.

Steve Vai is up there. He's into contention.

I mean, Jimi Hendrix, you gotta be...

We did.

He is the best of all time.

For sure.

People still are wondering how the fuck

he pulled off the things he did.

He could listen to a song

and then instantly play it back perfectly.

Really?

Yeah, the first time he's ever heard the song.

He could play either handed

with the guitar upside down

because he's a left handed guitarist.

And most guitars back then

were only made right handed.

So what he did was he would flip the guitar

around to play left handed, but now the strings

are all upside down. So he had to learn to play

upside down strings.

Jesus.

And then once they started making left handed guitars

because he's Jimi fucking Hendrix, he had to learn how to play it correctly.

And he actually got into the electronics of it.

So he would

rewire his pickups

and change the number of coils

around there to get different sounds.

I mean, the guy was just fucking

out of this world how good he was.

I don't know. Was he from Seattle?

He lived there.

I don't know if he was born there.

Because I did like this though. They have a statue of him.

I

went to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and we saw his guitars.

That was cool.

Oh, come on. Stop this bullshit.

What are you doing?

I click on that picture. Over here. Click on the statue.

Yeah, the statue.

That's the statue. Yeah.

Oh, nice. Yeah. It's in Capitol Hill.

It's cool.

Because I think he's a great guitarist.

I'm not into the heavy metal scene.

But I mean, they do comply.

He really was a heavy metal though, was he?

He was what was?

He used to do classic guitar, classic rock.

So,

yeah, because there was actually a guy who told

a story on the radio unrelated to this.

It just happened to, I don't know if my computer,

my phone heard it and then told my computer

to show it to me and then

probably got with my TV

and my fringe and they all talked about it.

But the guy on the radio was like,

yeah, back in 1984, he goes, I ran a rock show.

A rock radio station.

And he goes, we played

a Prince song.

And he goes, now this is before the internet,

before email, before text.

He's like, our phones blew up going,

what the fuck are you playing a Prince song for?

Now, he didn't bring up that

Prince is the best, was a great guitarist.

Right. But now, once I heard that,

I'm like, well, kind of technically

Prince wasn't

a hard rocker,

but if he played the guitar just as good,

why not?

I mean, show him some respect.

One, it depends on which song they play,

because he does have a lot of shitty songs.

There's one particular song that says,

he shows off his guitar skills.

And I don't remember.

I remember Little Red Corvette.

That's the song they remember.

But that's not the song about the guitar.

Purple Rain has some guitars.

Yeah, I'd have to look that up.

But no, he was really good.

All right, let's give away some hero.

So last week, I said I'm going to Bernat US flag.

And I wanted

the viewers to get a chance to also

burn things that they want to burn.

Well, no one actually did that.

Why? You guys let me down.

Hold on a second.

So first, we have Al McGaest.

And his entry was

Dianetics by Al Rod Hubbard.

The Scientology book. All the books?

No, just Dianetics.

No, no. You got to go and get them all

and burn them. Or just one.

What do you mean? Like all the books ever published

Dianetics by Al Rod Hubbard. We should burn all those books.

Well, that would be nice.

I don't have that kind of

or build like they do at Burning Man.

Build a statue of me.

I don't have that kind of scratch.

But I'll tell you this though.

I was hoping I could go down to the local church

of Scientology and just get a free copy.

Dude, do not go in there.

Holy fuck.

I know you guys have heard that they're a cult.

And it's worse than that.

So I made sure to not park in their parking lot

and they'd run you. Like fuck that.

I parked on the street. I walked in there

and the woman is like super friendly.

They're all super fucking friendly.

There's only one woman I talked to.

And she's like, oh, what brings you in today?

I said, oh, I got a friend and he said I need to pick up

one of these because they had the Dianetics copies.

Yeah.

Clever. I had to tell them the truth.

But I'm being honest.

And she's like, oh, well, I think they're $25.

But the woman who does the sales

she's on a break right now.

They already do it.

That shit. It's amazing how fucking it's going down.

Have a seat.

Oh, why are you waiting? Why don't you talk to this guy?

So she calls the woman

and she does the thing.

She starts trying to talk to me and

oh, what are you interested in?

She has a fucking form that they want you to fill out.

Now I put a fake name on there because I'm fucking stupid.

I think I'm gonna set your ass up.

Good job.

And like I'm just sitting there waiting

and she goes,

did you want to pay with cash or card?

Oh.

And I'm like, oh, I pay with cash.

And she's like, oh, I'm gonna have to

let her know.

And I'm like, you know what, I'm kind of in a hurry.

So if it's gonna be more than five minutes

I'll come back later.

So she's like,

well, why don't you come and look around?

I'm like, no, I really don't.

So I just fucking bolted the fuck out of there.

Fuck that dude.

Do not go in there.

I'm gonna go to the court with a tambourine.

If you are not prepared for cult tactics,

do not go in there at all.

Holy fuck, it's bad.

But I will get one on Amazon

and we will burn that shit up.

I'm sure you'll find one.

So Matt McHugh is our next entry

and he says the Book of Mormon.

Oh, Jesus.

Matt McHugh lives in Utah, so he deals with these people a lot.

Fair enough.

And I have not dealt with Mormons

other than like them

kind of talking to you

and public... They're just kind of judgy.

They do have some cultish

things about them too.

Yeah, but they're just very...

And the Book of Mormon is fucking insane.

Have you ever read about it? Do you know?

There's like a history of Mormons,

but the first thing is it's their college.

Yeah, they have Brigham Young.

Brigham Young. Yeah.

Brigham Young. Yeah.

Brigham Young. That was a guy's name.

I don't give a shit. Brigham Young.

And they're into multiple marriage.

Not anymore, officially.

Well, the part of the sect

that wanted to multiple wives,

they moved to Mexico. Yes.

There's a huge... Yes, Mitt Romney come from...

Yes, and they got attacked a couple years ago

for the cartels.

Oh, I don't know.

But no, I love Utah. Utah's a beautiful state.

But I do find Mormons to be quite judgy.

And there's a lot of them here.

Yes. And the Book is fucking insane.

I don't even know if you know what's in there.

But, so Joseph Smith,

he was from New York.

And he was a con man.

So he would go around just doing bullshit cons, right?

And one day,

he sees a preacher or something

and realizes, that's where the real mother fucker money is.

So he decides to write this goofy ass book.

It claims that

the Native Americans are one of the lost tribes

of Israel.

And that when Jesus came

to America and preached to them,

and when you die, you get your own planet.

Jesus came to America.

He came to America during his ministry.

I don't know. Read the book.

Jesus. Yes, Jesus.

Jesus. Jesus.

Jesus Christ from Israel.

Came to America when there was nobody here but Indians.

Yes.

And he spoke to them. Fair enough.

They're fucking insane, dude.

And I'm not going to tell the whole story.

Go look it up. It's absolutely fucking insane.

But what's the odds of the guy

who they named the university after

in a cult?

Be called Brigham Young.

And then finally, we have...

Brigham Young. We have R.N.

And R.N. wants me to burn the U.S. Constitution.

Oh.

So like I've said here many times on the show,

I am not a fan of the Constitution.

I think it's important, historical documents.

It's important to know it

so that when they

violate their own laws,

you can call them out on it.

But ultimately, it's bullshit.

It's based on

false ideas of authority.

It was actually a coup against the original colonies.

Yeah.

A lot of people don't know that.

The forefathers were considered

not terrorists, that's our word today.

But they were all being hunted to be killed.

Yeah. So the 13 colonies,

they declared independence in 1776.

They came up with

a document called the Articles of Confederation.

And this was essentially a treaty

between the 13 colonies that said

we all go to war together.

We all have free trade amongst each other.

And that's about it.

Otherwise,

you're a sovereign state.

Delaware is a sovereign state.

It gets to make its own laws.

New York is a sovereign state, whatever.

And then, so,

a lot of the founders were bankers.

Okay.

And they funded the Revolutionary War

by loaning money out.

Okay.

The founders were not getting paid back their loans.

Okay.

So what they wanted to do

was force the states

to pay them back their loans

via taxes.

But the Articles of Confederation did not allow

the federal government to force

taxes from the states. That's right, they didn't know.

So they made up this

claim that,

oh, we're just going to go and

make a few adjustments to the articles.

So every state sender delegates

to Pennsylvania, Philadelphia.

And we're just going to make some changes.

So once everybody's there,

back then, travel was hard and rough.

So you couldn't just go home.

So everybody was there and they say,

oh, we're just going to redo the whole government.

And if you don't like it, get the fuck out.

So they're like, oh, well, fuck.

And I guess we're stuck here.

So Madison writes the Constitution as we know it.

And it gives the federal government

the power to tax states

and tax people.

And all this other bullshit, which

has no place in our... There are some good things

in there, right?

No ex post facto laws,

like you can't pass a law.

And then, or you can't pass a law

today for what I did yesterday, right?

You can't do that.

But yeah, they do.

But nowadays.

Well, they've broken every fucking, every last bit of it.

So, and then, so

a couple years later, they came up with a bill

of rights to

to placate the people like me who are like,

this is bullshit. You can't do this.

So the bill of rights was like, oh,

but we're not going to take away your speech.

We're not going to take away your guns, which they're doing anyway.

So Constitution is bullshit.

I'm going to burn it.

So are you going to be, are you

going to burn like

it's original paper?

That would be nice. I don't think they're going to let me do that though.

No, no, no. I'm not saying go to the museum

and like fucking steal one. But it was on him paper.

No, we already covered that.

Are you going to try to fight one? No, it was on Lambskin.

I think you looked it up.

The drafts were on him. Okay.

And then the official one is on Lambskin. Okay.

But that was our three entries. So

Dianetics, Book of Mormon, US Constitution.

Let's see who wins.

R.N. Okay, buddy.

Better fucking collect this time. Oh, by the way,

we got a donation of

0.01 from Annanamush.

So R.N.

You're entitled to 0.02.

So pay attention.

Fucking come collect this time. Also,

since we only had three

and there were some items that

maybe some of you guys were hoping but you didn't get

to back to me on, I'm going to give Ron a chance

to tell me something he wants me to burn as well.

Oh, I want you to burn the gay flag.

Say that closer to the mic, please.

Okay, I do not condone this. I think

he's wrong for doing it.

Especially burning the American flag just because you can doesn't mean you should.

But if he wants to play this fucking stupid ass retarded game

and be like, oh, I'm going to be cool.

Burn something that might piss somebody off.

You can get away with

burning the American flag and people

are going to be like, oh, what a prick.

No, they won't.

No one's going to come up and get in your face.

Yes, they would. Dude, if you find like a gay guy,

he's going to be like, what?

No, no, no one's going to care about that.

So I do not condone this.

I want no part of this.

But if he wants to be cool man up,

man to fuck up and burn something that people

can actually get passionate about.

Matter of fact, can I tell you the way to burn it?

Maybe.

On the stick. Flying high.

Why not? Because they're going to fucking say,

oh, you're being a public nuisance to fire.

I got a fire pit, a legal fire pit, and a public park.

In a public park. Yes.

I looked up everything, dude.

You have to tell me which one you want to burn.

I don't care. I don't want you to do it.

Well, I'm gonna.

So we have the regular one, we have the trans one,

with the poo poo, chevrons.

Which one do you want me to burn here?

Whatever one you can find cheaply or for free.

But don't steal one from a bar.

I'm not stealing any flags. I'm going to buy all the items.

They're going to be all mine.

I highly recommend you don't do this.

It's not affiliated with Grand Decay or Rebit Dog Media.

It's going to be on the pocket.

Except, well, we show stupid shit on this podcast all the time.

So I'm fine.

If you want to show it on here.

You're such a coward.

It's not a coward thing.

One, I don't believe in burning the American flag.

That's because it's retarded.

Because you can. Well, technically you can or can't.

I'm not sure where that.

But you should be able to. It is free speech.

And then the, it's funny how it all went religion.

It's actually kind of funny to me.

I like it. I dig it.

I was honestly hoping I would get like an image of it.

I dig it. I was honestly hoping I would get like an Israel flag.

And a Palestine flag.

I was ready to go, man.

You guys missed out.

So maybe you have to wait until next year until.

You want to go to jail again?

Now you do this before or after the picnic?

After. I have to buy everything.

I still have to buy everything.

So if I show up at the picnic, you'll still be out of jail.

I'm not going to jail.

Dude, if the wrong person sees you burning the gay flag.

There's nothing illegal about it.

It's a hate crime. No, it's not.

I despise hate crimes.

I despise hate crimes.

I think they should.

But it's not a hate crime.

Okay. Nobody has ever gotten arrested

for burning their own flag

in a way that is consistent with the rules for burning things.

Um.

No, it's never happened. Okay.

Don't call me for bail.

I don't need to.

I'm going to show up the next fucking podcast

and you're going to watch the video

and you're going to see me burn all these things.

Are you going to be alone? No.

Okay.

Well, I'm going to have the camera guy

and then I'm inviting people

if they want to come and I can't control if they come or not.

Invite some gay people.

Dude, I don't know any gay people.

Yeah, there's a

um

the one guy who comes to the Libertarian parties.

Oh, yeah, I don't really know him.

He's a good guy. He hasn't shown up for a while.

But what do you think they're going to do? They're not going to do anything?

Dude, you get the

they're not going to know.

A military gay guy.

Okay.

He's going to duct tape you to a treatment.

I'm also strongly considering open carrying too.

Yeah, I just want to do that.

Because that's legal in Nevada.

You're allowed to carry without a license

and it will just discourage

idiots from being idiots.

You're a discouraged idiot from being

idiots going after an idiot.

How's that an idiot?

I'm burning it. I'm just burning things

in a public park. It's my rights.

I have nothing to do with this.

Because you're a bitch. Nope. I don't agree with it.

That's the problem. You're a bitch.

I don't I don't. You're afraid.

No, you are. You're afraid.

It's it's this fall.

This falls under the just because you can't doesn't mean you should file.

Yeah, no, it doesn't. But you should.

What what what what point

are you trying to prove? Well, I'm going to give a little speech too.

So I can't wait for that.

But that I mean the point is that I can't.

The point is like you don't have

I agree that you have the right to do it.

Right. But people think you don't.

So that's the reason you do.

Right. So the people do think that you don't have

the right to film in public.

So people go out and film in public. God, I hope you buy

a flag made in China and you go like that thing.

It's just like I want to get I'm only going to get cotton flags.

Oh, you are. Okay.

And I don't know where they're going to be made.

And I don't really give a shit. Well, it's cotton.

Yeah. But I mean some of this this

fiber. Hey, I'm an Eagle Scott.

Remember, I know how to burn things.

I'm a fucking pro. Do you know how to put yourself out

when you let yourself on fire? I won't let myself on fire.

Okay. Or when

someone else goes, I have a right to light him on fire.

Okay.

You're going to find out what happened to them.

All right.

I think we're done. I actually don't have a training

thing tonight, but I know you do. Oh my God.

And I can't do a work story because I'm so mad

about work right now. We were turned into a nasty ramp

and a company heard they probably fire me.

So.

All right. So Halloween's coming up.

So this is the perfect time to look at your disguise

kit. Right. So

all these spirit Halloween

stores are popping up everywhere. They do have

things that are useful in disguise kits.

So now's the time to go,

you know, refresh if you need to update it.

So let's talk about why you want

disguise first of all.

So maybe you're traveling in a high risk area.

So you're in a bad

neighborhood and you don't want

people to bother you. So

you where you're going with this because this is

weird. So you dress a certain way.

Okay. People not bother you. And you put

a mask on of a certain. Well, that just

don't get to that yet. That's don't reveal

my secrets. Okay.

So avoiding stalkers. So like

maybe you're a woman and your ex boyfriend is

stalking you. Okay. And you want to

escape him and telling you

disguise can help you do that.

If you're attending certain

protests or privacy focused

events. So some protests

depending on who's in power or depending

on what country you're from, the government

doesn't like that. And they're going to send people

to spy on you. Try

to get your car license plate and all that kind of shit. So

you want to have a disguise

even just a basic mask on your face.

I mean like the fucking ice is doing it.

So why are you doing it? Right.

So privacy focused events.

So like let's say you have a dark web meetup

and you want to meet up in person

to discuss certain things

you know you might want to have a disguise

for that so that nobody can know

who you are. The FBI agents that are there. Right.

Exactly.

Avoid being tracked by facial recognition devices.

So that's a very common thing

these days. There's cameras

fucking everywhere. A lot of them are feeding into

facial recognition so they can

determine who you are

and maybe you don't want them to know who you are.

So I have a question about facial recognition. Yeah.

So if I were to have glasses on. Yeah.

Like I wear because I'm old. Yeah.

And I had like little things hanging off of

like this in this direction. Yeah.

Would that throw off the points of facial recognition?

It might. It really depends a lot on the software.

Like what you want to do is

get some open source facial recognition software

and then just try it out. Yeah. See does this recognize me or not.

And then you can tweak your

your thing to. Because facial recognition

I mean I don't know if you know this or not

but it's getting out of control.

Oh yeah.

Is it the unemployment office

three years ago

my company had a downsize

because the real Saint Marker

was crashing and I inspected buildings.

I had to

go through facial recognition

to get unemployment.

Like I had to upload my I was

not happy about it. That's absurd.

But I had to like scan my face and scan

my driver's license.

That it's wrong

and it should be illegal. Yeah.

But I also want to know if you can throw it

off by wearing like glasses

or certain things on your face.

Yeah. I mean like I said get some for yourself

and play it play it with yourself.

See if you can fool it.

And then the last reason just for fun right. Yeah.

Just to see what you can do right.

So let's talk about disguises first. Wigs is a big thing.

You know Spirit Halloween

sells all sorts of fucking different wigs

and not just like crazy Halloween like wigs.

Yeah. But Marilyn Monroe

hair bald caps

all this kind of stuff that you can you can make

as a part of a normal disguise. And like

they don't look real. But the thing about

most people is they're not paying attention. No.

No. If you go to we went to

well what they call flea market

now all new shit

apparently someone's come out with

it's a baseball cap. Yeah.

With a weave. Yeah. And it actually

looks fairly real. Yeah. And apparently

like you know because so here's

the thing I used to say if you see

black women taking off their earrings

someone's getting their ass kicked.

Now if a black woman takes

off her weave fucking running

hide because they're going to kick everybody's ass.

So yeah. Look at look at some wigs

or bald caps.

Another thing if you're a man

if you normally have a beard you can

shave it off. If you normally don't have

a beard you can grow one. Right. Did you see

Keanu Reeves was just shaving off his beard.

Well I saw it. Bill and Ted's excellent. No no

he was a kid though. He said. So

I it's my belief that some people

should have a beard. And you've seen

Jason. Jason Mamo. We already went over

this. No I know but now Keanu Reeves.

This is one of our best performing clips of all time.

Really. Yes. But now Keanu Reeves

joins us. The thing. Oh god. That dude

grow your fucking beard dude. I'm sure

he's doing a movie role and probably one

of my favorite actors not necessarily in the

movies just in general. I think

that guy's actually a cool guy. Do you know

I said before but I'm going to say it again.

If you want to meet him he said hey

he has breakfast at the same spot in Hollywood

every day. Interesting. If he's in town.

So glasses. You mentioned

glasses. Now it might not

fool the facial recognition but it will fool

most people. So

if you especially

if people don't know you. So

there's this kind of distinction. Are

you trying to avoid people that know you

or are you trying to avoid people that don't know you

because glasses will

absolutely fool someone that doesn't already know you. Well

I want to gamble the Venetian again.

This is my lifetime ban. Yeah.

How would I do

that. Well like I said get some

facial recognition software and then do what you got to do to fool.

I don't go on the strip anyway because last time

I got banned for life. Prostetics

so they make like dental

prosthetics like fake teeth

nose prosthetics. Yeah I like that.

Cheeks anything that like

alters your facial structure like eyebrows all that kind of stuff.

Now

makeup right I know we're men we don't

wear makeup but makeup can help you

change your disguise can change your skin

tone. It can

cover up tattoos

facial scars or

or a muck and sealer.

Whatever. I don't know.

You can create tattoos right.

Oh yeah they have a sleeve a tattoo

and you can fool people from a distance.

Yep. Another thing you do

is keep in mind clothing

changes. So

when you're going out on one of these expeditions you

want to wear generic clothes

with plain boring colors

like plain blacks browns navy blue

things that aren't screaming to people

hey look at me. Yeah. No Hawaiian shirts

nothing with like

band logos none of that kind of shit. I believe

they make button down shirts or possibly even

t-shirts that you can actually

Sorry I didn't know.

I didn't know. You want

to match the environment you're in. So here in Vegas

in the dead of summer right don't fucking wear

a hoodie even though the hood's covered in your face and shit

right people are going to stand out to people.

No you wait until the 90s and you're local

like the temperature wise

90s and then you start putting your fucking jacket on

what the fuck is wrong with locals

I'm seeing them in the 90s they're wearing

fucking jackets and sweatshirts

it's 90 degrees out

So

you might want to have a bag with you and in that bag

have multiple outfits

or wear clothes that you

can be reversed. Yeah. So if you were talking about

button down shirts that you can take off real quick

and then spin around and then not a different color. Yeah.

So that will throw people off

Another thing you might want

to do is consider

talking into a phone or a bluetooth air piece

because when we walk around

we see people doing that. So like you're blending

in by doing that. It looks like you're not

paying attention but you really are because you're not

actually talking about it. So the phone throws off

because they gotta have different points. Right you have your hand in your face

so yeah

hmm so if you are

going to do the clothing change find good spots

a bathroom is great

because there's no cameras in a bathroom

going to a stall come right out

paying attention trust me they're not

phone booths if you're Superman

do you have phone booths anymore

there's a few in town

of uh there's some English

pubs in town. Okay. And they've got

the red one

so fab at it

oh yeah there's one by the Gordon Ramsay Fish and Chips

yeah but I'm sure if you go into a normal

phone booth I'm sure there's a homeless guy living in there right now

so you may have to

a lot of the elevators have cameras

so you want to check that first

um I mean just like

going around a corner so you go around a corner you get your

jacket right or a hat whatever

um another thing you can do

is uh have a limp a fake

limp. Okay. Right because if you're walking

normal and then you

you do a change and then you start limping

right they're not going to think oh the limping guy

is the guy we're looking for. Yeah because you can actually

with AI and cameras security cameras

you can set up for the way they walk. Yes

yes they do. Yeah. So another

thing to do with that um change the speed of

your walk or the length of your gate

um and be conscious about

the stuff so you understand how you normally

walk and then how you

walk alternatively uh the way you swing your arms.

Yep. So if you don't

swing your arms at all if you swing your arms

you're a psychopath if you were like walking without swinging your arms

if you swing them a lot. Have you ever seen someone

walking without swinging their arms all the time

it's fucking people walk like this now

right but that's still

like I'm talking like hands on the side

there's like what what

they're aliens they're fucking aliens

no human would walk that way

uh change your posture

so now I can't do this because

my back's all fucked up but if you can

like uh be straight

or curved or whatever like if you

can do that practice it

um but then my man boobs pop

hahahaha

uh so just carry things with

you like uh you have a book have a fake book

or not a fake book bag but an empty book bag that

has no value and then just ditch it right

um or

like books right carry books

with you or like again match the

environments right so if you're in a casino

uh carry a Louis Vuitton bag

not not the actual

bag but the store bag yeah that oh

I just shopped at Louis Vuitton right

people are walking around with those a lot

um if you have to

speak uh practice a fake

accent or alter your voice

so if you can do higher or lower uh speak

in a different accent the British accent

whatever like practice it's not that hard

uh and honestly the best way to

speak speak in a fake accent

is to make fun of the

accent you're making fun of

and it actually sounds kind of natural

so there was a guy um

I work with in Chicago and he's

from Romania and he mentioned

one time that he was trying to

shut his accent so he could speak more

American yeah and I said well just make

fun of what you think American sound

like and he goes like

we're all American

I like cowboys and

football and I might use sound exactly

like in America like I know you're

joking but you sound right so just do that

so yeah practice your fake

accents um here's a weird one

uh use colognes or other

scents so scent is actually

very um

in uh what's the word

embedded in our memory right no

no they say like

the smell of grass being cut reminds you of summer

yeah yeah so it yeah and you can bring

bring back

uh memories that you didn't have

through smell so it's actually that's actually

so for example if you're the if you're the

girlfriend trying to uh you're the ex-girlfriend

trying to escape her stalker ex-boyfriend

and he knows you wear a certain perfume

you would wear a different perfume

and like he would be thrown off

by well that's probably not heard right

um

let's see so if you're driving

uh don't park at the location

you're going to right park somewhere else and walk

you know it's good for you so get your steps in

um don't break your phone

right your phone is crackable um

and then this other cool

thing that I found online

it's a mesh face and this one's p-ditty

um it is

fucking scary how good these

fucking things look like if you walk

around like this the facial recognition

will not detect you uh people

aren't gonna notice unless they like stare at your

face um so would that

fool face or facial recognition I think this would

like if it's it's a far away

one I think it absolutely would huh

um yeah

this thing is amazing like you can get him online for like 20 bucks

uh and it's not

just p-ditty like there's tons of different things

you can only get p-ditty and free loop

comes with it that was the easiest one to find

and like so I work

glasses so I can't see shit right now

so uh one thing you can do

is like cut a hole

where your glasses would go yeah and then

put a grommet in there so it doesn't start stretching

right and then you can put your glasses

in there um

another like the lips obviously don't move so what

you can do is you can cut a hole in the lips

and then uh you can glue

them to your actual lips

so when you talk you look like you talk

and you can do the same thing with the eyes

huh so you I mean you can take this as far as you

want but like they do make latex

versions of this too they're pretty fucking

weird if you see the guy in Minnesota

that did the shootings

uh that the

Mickey Mouse hands hired to kill politicians

my opinion I could be wrong I probably

am on that one um but

um yeah so he had a latex one

that was pretty badass

yeah so go get yourself a mesh face I mean

20 bucks man you can't beat that shit

that's so weird man yeah um

so now let's talk about backstories because

with your disguise you might have to talk

to people and

people are curious creatures right like

you might go to the Scientology place and they're going to

ask you what your name is and where you live and

what's your background and all this shit and you want to be

prepared to handle that without necessarily giving them

the correct answers

um so what you want to do is you want to craft

several consistent backstories ahead of time

uh and one cool thing

you could do is write them down as

fictional short stories okay right

um because that will help you memorize because

humans are the we memorize

stories we don't memorize facts

um so write some stories and then

take over that person's identity essentially

okay um

so you want to choose generic things that are

hard or impossible to verify

especially in real time so like

um don't say the fucking

quarterback of a football team because

we all know who the quarterback is

um just be like oh I'm a plumber

or generic shit right and

things that people won't ask

further questions about right because if I say

I'm a poker player ooh what's playing poker like

do you count cards do you get this do you

get that how much money do you make

yeah but I honestly think if you say you're a plumber

they're gonna go have you been hitting

the head with a turd yet because they watched the

podcast everyone watches the podcast well so it's not like

I'm an insurance claims adjuster

no one's gonna shit on that

well yes people things people don't really

care about please tell me a story about

insurance yeah people very boring things

so just make sure you check on that ahead time

um and then you want to know which

backstory you're using on a given day

because you don't want to fucking mix that shit up

right so you want to keep them stories in your brain

just like you do with movies right if I were to give you

um the plot of a movie you would instantly

be able to tell me right who that guy was

right if I told you oh he grew up on a moisture

farm and his father was a famous

starfighter pilot and then

when he grew up he became a

a warrior with a laser sword is this like a

star wars thing yeah okay so you already know

see no no I don't realize I got it is

uh what was the farm kind of farmers it

moisture farm yeah there's no such thing as a

moisture right well not not an earth yeah

yeah yeah so I think that's the only reason

like well that this might be star wars

but if I threw in a fact in there like

and he uh he killed Virgil Solazo

and captain McCluskey while the train was

going in the back you'd be like wait

that's the godfather it's two different

movies right you would know I wouldn't

okay well I've watched the godfather like

one time my god it's the best movie I'm

not it is the best movie I probably

wouldn't argue that but I just haven't

watched it but if I said if I whatever

goofy as a movie you're into if I if I

mixed and matched from two different

movies yeah you would know oh that's wrong

right so you want to keep your stories

consistent yeah because you can always say

you were raped and use a story from law

order I mean why not and then you'll win

well no you actually won't win the rape

case yeah but you'll win the

defamatory case when the guy goes what

the fuck is that dumbass bitch talking

about that's a fucking certain law and

order she's a dumbass bitch and the judge

goes I don't have to talk about it

um so like I said people if you if you say

something that's interesting issues

people will ask you questions so you want

to think about what questions people would

ask and then write down the answers to

those questions into your story yeah so

if you're gonna go with poker player

um find a poker player and then ask him

what you want to ask him and find out if

a straight flush beats a full house

because no one knows that except poker players

straight flush beats a full house okay but

a normal flush does not correct see see

yeah talk to a poker player because who

no one knows yeah you want to be able to

answer that kind of shit um just think

about what you would want to know about a

person who does that job or what you think

someone might ask that person talk to

your friends right play you know play

role play shit where you uh

ask each other these questions and

pretend to be this job or whatever

backstory you're coming up with and again

make sure you're consistent right you don't

want to fucking say something that contradicts

something else you just said and then like

that's gonna alert people that hey so

something's wrong with this guy right you just

want to be generic you want to be in the

background you want to be if you were

an apedity master you're gonna go that dude

looks like apedity there's something wrong with

that guy well if you're just walking around

looking at you I swear to god I'm gonna try

that's pretty fucking I actually want to

walk around on the strip at night and

going into casino your your band for I'm

not gonna do that I don't want to do that

um but I will go into casinos that I'm

allowed into and see what happens yeah so

actually you remind me of a work story I'll go ahead

and tell you this this work story happened

15 years ago so I so I don't even need

to change the names

um because all I need my brother bitches one

and uh it actually is a kind of a funny

story so there's a backstory so I lived in a

high I worked in living a high rise and so my wife

obviously lived there with me and sure come

into play in a second um we had this guy

named Michael and he was British and he

had the British accent but he had lived in

America for like over 20 years Michael

and might and he kept the British accent

which comes into play in a second um so

the type of guy this was is my manager

and my regional manager were sitting in

their office in the manager's office

and I'm not too far from the door he

walks through the door and yes my manager

name was rainbow which is that's what it was

she was had to be parents she had to be parents

but that was like the name on her birth certificate

uh I figured her son her brother's name was

like Raven or ransom ransom um

which I never followed up with that because

why why ransom was he held for ransom

it's similar to rainbow it's uh similar to

rainbow but rain okay um and so Michael

walks up to my the manager's door looks

at my manager and goes rainbow you know

I've always wanted to fuck you and I look at him

and he looks at my district manager goes

oh I'd fuck you too and I grabbed him

like yep Michael we're going home I'm

taking you home he's like oh I'm sorry

I'm really coked up that's the that's the

classic guy we're talking about so come

forth in July we're all hanging out in

the party room he comes walking in

whoo happy fourth of July everybody my wife

being who she is goes what are you doing

because we're celebrating the fourth of

July she goes do you know why we're

celebrating the fourth of July it kind

of involves the country you're from

even though you've been over 20 years you

still have the same accent from which is

weird you didn't really shed your accent

unless you try to no 20 years really

it's like it unless you try to do it

you're never gonna get rid of it okay I

guess I because of you stop talking the

way you talk I mean I don't talk as

southern as I used to yeah I mean I

yeah but I don't know I bet you if you

go back there you're gonna start fucking

right up again well you would but it's

you're you're mimicking what you hear I

don't know maybe you could maybe that and

maybe that is true but it was just funny

that he was celebrating the fourth of July

and my wife goes we got a problem here

you're celebrating the fourth of July and we

kicked her ass in the country and yeah

here we go here we are oh she also did

another guy my wife's actually my how I

my wife is she's the nicest person you

never gonna meet or the meanest to

treat her and this one dude's a voice over

guy I've also for you know if you know any

voice over guys yeah well not known but

I've met them at the poker table they're

all fucking weird yes yes okay so we

got voices for kids cartoons that's

creepy as fuck he was really good yeah

but I bet the subway guy oh that's a

whole of the story Jared no no that's

your what no because he was too busy fucking

kids well yeah no the voice over guy

who got sucked oh eat fresh yeah he

literally had a mental breakdown in the

lobby of my building I'll get that I

run over the same building as Michael the

UK guy but it was just so so same

building the voice over guy walked in

he was just weird very strange and made

a weird comment to my wife my wife goes

you know the guy's name was Ronald and

because you know Ronald you remind me of

a rotten pumpkin and everyone's like what

the fuck did she just say she goes you're

still kind of looking nice on the outside

but you're just disgusting on the inside

oh dear god that's my wife this I

probably could I could do like wife

stores that would be fucking hysterical

well no names oh I guess you can't find

her name her name is Venice I can't

even know but no no she but she is

that sweet supposed to ever gonna meet

in there she pissed her off that's it for

me all right then so bark use this

weekend I'm making some fucking tasty

ass burgers I'm gonna do some hot pepper

ice cream fuck you if you're not coming

you're gonna miss the hot pepper ice cream

if you haven't tried it try it sometime

it's fucking amazing but we will

see you next week yep bye bye everybody

thank you for joining us at the

Canadian The Cage podcast don't forget to

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you